WHEN MY DOCTOR SUGGESTED MY SOCIAL ANXIETY COULD BE GIVING ME STOMACH PROBLEMS, I DECIDED TO TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS
By Joseph Garay
As I walked across campus, I saw someone I knew. I suspected she’d say hello, which was what happened. It was an acquaintance, a girl I’d met in a class during my freshman year, Kasey. She was nice, always smiling, always willing to start a conversation. I’m the complete opposite.
As she approached, I started to panic, my thoughts went into a tornado-like spiral, and my stomach started to knot. “How are you?” she asked as she approached, still smiling.
“I’m doing fine. How are you?” I asked. All the while I kept walking toward my class. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so instead I was just removing myself from the stressful conversation.
“Fine,” she said looking after me.
Her feet had been planted, she had obviously been expecting to have a conversation with me. But because of the anxious feeling that was swelling up inside of me, I had come off as being cold, distant and disinterested. I actually felt none of those things, all I could think about was removing myself from that situation, as quickly as possible.
This is what normally happens when I approach a social situation. I feel comfortable speaking in class, especially in small groups, particularly when I have to do so for a grade. But these unprompted situations always frustrated me. Sometimes I even imagine a group talking about me as I walk by, making me move away more quickly. Many times, I combat these scenarios by simply putting in my headphones and walking down streets with no people.
Last semester, a doctor first suggested that I might have social anxiety. I was visiting a gastroenterologist about stomach pains and nausea that I’d been experiencing on a daily basis. After a series of tests, the doctor told me that she couldn’t find anything wrong. “A small amount of acid reflux, but nothing that could be causing severe pain,” she said sitting in a gray padded chair. Then, she got serious for a minute. She went on to say that she knew people who had gone to see doctors with similar symptoms, which later turned out to be associated with something called social anxiety. Perhaps the problem had nothing to do with my body, she explained. Maybe it was in my head.
Naturally, the second I got home I googled this issue, surprised with what I found. Social anxiety, occurs when a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Being around people, makes them fearful of making mistakes, looking bad and being humiliated. The fear may be made worse by a lack of social skills or experience in social situations.
I realized that maybe my doctor was right. I did experience social anxiety, and it was impacting my life but also my health.
Next, I wanted to figure out how I could overcome it, so I went to the one place that I felt comfortable, a place where loudness and conversations were looked down upon – the library. After glancing at books on the subject I eventually came upon one with a bright yellow cover called Beyond Testing: the Art of Face to Face Communication for Teenagers. It looked like it had information that I’d find useful, even though I’m not a teenager anymore. And it was written in language that was easy to grasp. Debra Fine’s book, though geared towards teenagers, provides some tips on how to actively participate in a social interaction. The main two points that stuck out to me were: Exude energy and introduce yourself.
When one of my class assignments required me to write a personal essay, I decided that it was the perfect opportunity to finally try out Fine’s tips in my everyday life. I decided that I’d try out her tips for two weeks and see if it relieved my anxiety, and my stomach.
STEP 1: EXUDE ENERGY
Fine’s book had numerous tips, but her lesson on exuding energy seemed like a good place to start. I’ve always been told that the best way to present yourself is to slap a smile on your face act extremely interested, and walk like you are comfortable in your own skin.
So I put away my IPod, only allowing myself to use it when I was really bored. I stopped using the side streets, instead walked the main thoroughfare through campus. At first it was difficult, especially in the morning, when I desperately wanted to retreat into my music device as a way to ignore the people around me. “Good morning!” I stuttered to an old acquaintance. I hardly ever initiate conversations, so for me it was a big step. He too was surprised that I’d even acknowledged him. He returned my hello. We didn’t stop to talk.
Even though it was hard, I kept initiating contact. All the while focusing on being energetic. I knew, however, that a simple hello wouldn’t cut it. I wanted to push myself to have real interactions. So, after four days of my experiment, I forced myself to sit next to an old acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while outside one of my classrooms. “What’s your name again?” the person asked. That stung, but I kept my smile on and re-introduced myself. We ended up chatting for a few minutes about the class we had together.
It felt good to have that conversation. It helped to focus on the energy I was contributing to the conversation rather than another person’s perceptions. Some people completely ignored me as I said “hello!” but that is probably because I struggled to put energy into my volume of voice. Slapping a smile on your face is one thing, but my voice always gave me away, and even with my attempts at exuding energy it fell a little flat when it came to conversations with random people.
Over the course of two weeks, it became easier to have these types of small conversations. I realized that sometimes I just had to ignore the discomfort because it was worth it to develop a real connection. It also gave me confidence every time I tried to have a conversation and someone responded well. With that new confidence, it became easier to put myself into the next conversation. Fine’s suggestions were working.
STEP 2: INTRODUCING MYSELF
Every semester I’ve gone to my classes and sat there quietly. Typically, before the beginning of a class period there was a time when everyone was talking about this or that. I tended to just sit there and stare into space. Now, I wanted to be part of the conversation. But the problem was that people didn’t expect me to talk, and so my attempts were met with empty stares. By this time in college, it felt like everyone had already cemented their circle of friends. And I’d already cemented my identity as a silent observer.
While usually, that would have deterred me from making an effort, in the spirit of Fine’s book, I decided it wasn’t too late to change my identity. During this week I decided to take the time and introduce myself to at least one person a day in each of my classes. At first, it was awkward and frustrating. “Hi, my name is Joe” I would tentatively say. “Oh, hi, I’m such and such” they would respond and then the conversation fizzled out just as quickly as it had started.
The next day I would start with “So how did you do on that test” and that’s when the conversations would start up, because we had something in common – we liked to complain about how annoying that test was. Soon the conversations started before class began and became about more than the boring class conversations.
“Hey Joe! Did you see the latest episode of The Arrow?” or whatever television show we were watching. These conversations proved to be easier to maintain, allowing me to express my opinions and laugh without focusing on the room around me.
In some cases a person clearly just did not want to talk to me, and it was in those cases that I thought that person was judging me or mockingly laughing at me to their friends. I would just smile, though it was really bothering me. After a time it stopped mattering. I realized that there are two people in a conversation, and it takes both to make it work. I decided that it was better to try and fail than it was to be fearful all the time.
WHAT I LEARNED
Fine’s other tips involved body language, dealing with difficult interactions, and managing the digital world. I’m still interested in trying them out as I move forward with the goal of overcoming my anxiety. To me, though, these first two were a good start. Others, I realized, weren’t a problem for me. Eye contact, for example, is one thing Fine suggests her readers work on, but I realized it’s an area that I don’t really need to address.
After two weeks of following Fine’s teachings, there were some things that I learned on my own. It came as an epiphany, after a rather awkward conversation, about what I should have said and how I should have said it. After it, I took a deep breath and paused. The reason it helped was that I often rush into conversations blurting out random things that might make me sound stupid. It helped to hold off for a few seconds and think clearly about what I might say. By breathing, I found that a lot of my anxiety dissipated, because I had more control over the situation in that moment.
Another thing I learned was that it doesn’t matter what other people think. If I have an opinion, or a thought, or a joke, I have the right to say it without the fear of ridicule. What’s the worst that could happen? Someone decides they don’t want to talk? I’ve now experienced that, and I realize I can live with it.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America there are approximately 15 million American adults with social anxiety. The tips located on their site matched up with Fine’s suggestions, like “Shift the focus from yourself and your fear to your true purpose—contributing something of value.” The site also made the point that none of us should try to be perfect. Finally, I learned that there are people who just are plain hard to talk to and hard to get along with. It is not my fault.
As I made the effort to become more comfortable in a social situation, I soon realized that I wasn’t the only one that had difficulty – I have seen whole groups of people sitting silently amongst a crowd, absorbed in their multitude of electronic devices, because talking online is far easier than talking in person.
Now, I am glad to say that I can hold a face-to-face conversation. I am on the right path, and look forward to the day where I will walk into my future employer’s office without hesitation and say “Hi my name is Joe.”