Since when was it this weird to be sober?
By Alicen Hackney
I know my place at parties well. I am the eternally sober girl, the girl with the water bottle she brought from home, the one who gets invited just to be the designated driver for those who get too drunk too soon, the one who takes people for walks when they get high and spend too much time with the cat they’re allergic to.
At first I would get one of two comments from people, either I’d get the tipsy, “good for you! I wish I could do that, be proud of yourself!” or the well meaning, “are you sure you don’t want one drink? Maybe you’ll change your mind.” However, as time went on, I began to get more startling reactions; people began to get deeply uncomfortable around me. I thought maybe they were worried I was going to tell on them, or that they were worried I was uncomfortable being around these substances. As it turns out, much of their discomfort came from having someone around who wasn’t participating in their madness.
Parties were’t an an environment I wanted to be in, but when I ended up there I would have my own fun. Usually I would sit off to the side either by myself on my phone, or talking to one or two closer friends. I stayed quiet and never really put myself in the middle of things, but the problems came when, on a couple occasions, I was asked to leave. I understand that they may have just wanted to make sure I wasn’t uncomfortable around them drinking, but it always came across as I was an unwanted guest. That I wasn’t a normal friend, and that I wasn’t free to come or go as I pleased like everyone else.
It was upsetting and frustrating; being sober had never felt so isolating before. I began wondering, why did drinking and drugging have to be the staple items at parties? American pop culture has drenched high school and college life with this idea that drinking was the only way to stand out as the cool kid at parties since long before I was born. It’s become acceptable to single out and exclude those who refuse to participate, and I wanted to know how it ended up this way. To find out I started at the founding of America’s first college, Harvard University, in 1636.
College Parties: A History
Time Magazine writer Lisa Wade described that in colonial times college’s controlled “every detail of students’ lives… how they kept their room, how they dressed and wore their hair, what they could do, when and what they ate, where they could go and when. There were substantial penalties for deviance and they came swiftly.”
In the 18th century college life was centered entirely around higher education. There was no room for fun and merriment when there were books to be read and tests to be taken. College life was meant for middle-class men trying to move up in the world, and it stayed this way into the end of the century.
At the start of the 19th century however college life shifted to focus more on wealthy society men who had a low tolerance for a life without fun and extravagance. As much as the college faculty disapproved of this shift which included a lack of structure and a rise in the power of the student body, they were no match for the shear number of student riots and protests.
Out of these riots, the fraternity was born, and its founding gives a steady nod to the way fraternities still act and are perceived today.
Wade explained that Fraternities were, “infused with a rebelliousness that was their birthright, fraternities incubated a lifestyle that revolved around recklessness and irresponsibility. Members encouraged one another to neglect their studies and mocked those who were earnest about getting an education, disparagingly calling academically hardworking students ‘digs’ and ‘grinds.’ Nicholas Syrett, the scholar who penned the definitive history of white fraternities, wrote that by the early 1900s it was ‘glaringly obvious’ that, ‘for the most part, fraternity men did not study much, dedicating themselves instead to extracurricular activities, camaraderie, athletics, and having fun.’”
The modern day Fraternity continues to be perceived in exactly this way and has been through decades of American pop culture. Fraternities however aren’t the only issue when it comes to why party culture is so prominent in modern college life. Sororities, which came about over a century later, were established as women began to take their place in collegiate life. This conveniently happened simultaneously with the end prohibition. It was a perfect storm.
Fraternities turned their gaze to the women in their classes and wanted to ensure they had the upper hand at getting these women's attention and admiration. These men began limiting their application intake as to the level of attractiveness in it’s members to ensure they would uphold their reputation in women’s favor, and they would host parties to invite these women to to mingle. Parties began to get wilder as the two groups mixed with drinks and a lenient sexual movement brewing which would hit about 20 years later in the 1960’s.
From this point on movies, print work, and advertisement all glorified this party life-style. I’ve seen it a million times and it’s never any different, even as far back as the 1932 musical film “Horse Feathers” about college hijinks which came out right as party culture came to fruition.
College movies particularly famous for the inclusion of drinking at parties are such classics as “Animal House,” “Old School,” and the more recent “Superbad” that literally follows three boys on their journey to bring alcohol to a party to win over their lady loves. It’s seen as the easiest way to gain cool status, to avoid a beating from bullies, and to win over women’s hearts which all has built the modern party scene into what it is. As young as middle and high school, these movies have become the expectation for parties, that you can’t have fun without alcohol and promiscuity.
The final thing to unpack is why it’s so acceptable to ostracize sober partygoers. LIFE writer Kelly Fitzgerald describes what it has been for her to go from being the drinker to being open about her sobriety in her article “I Used To Think Sober People Were Aliens.” Her original feelings about sober “aliens” expresses peoples discomfort with sober people perfectly.
“Coming in contact with sober aliens perplexed me. I felt icky, disturbed, and shocked. It's because I didn't understand them and I didn't want to. Understanding them scared the shit out of me. I didn't want them looking at me and my drinking habits. I didn't want to hear about their amazing sober lives because chances are I would be jealous. I would make snide comments about them under my breath, criticizing their lifestyle, or choice of the moment, whichever it was. In college I would even obnoxiously ask why someone wasn't drinking,” wrote Fitzgerald.
For many people who participate in party culture by going all in and drinking, it can be uncomfortable to see others having fun without going all in. As Fitzgerald expresses, it’s difficult, especially for an alcoholic who needs it to participate, to see a sober person as anyone other than someone on their high horse, who just won’t stop talking about it.
I found that often, when people perceived that I “just wouldn’t stop talking” about my sobriety, they had asked me and all I was doing was giving a brief explanation of my choices. I never spoke longer than I felt necessary on it unless they asked me further, but I was always got labeled as that girl “on her high horse.”
There shouldn’t be any shame in being the sober one, and it’s becoming more culturally acceptable to be it. Movements like the StraightEdge movement, while it may be an incredible target for meme making and punch-lining, have large followings and are represented in a lot of environments where alcohol and other substances are present such as concerts and festivals. Some popular ones to become a part of are Truth, which is an anti-tobacco movement, and FEND, an anti-opiates movement which as of 2018 teamed up with Vans Warped Tour for their last tour.