Fat is not a bad word.
by Josephine Johnson
Like most in my generation, I was exposed to the internet at an early age. Growing up a bigger girl, I was desperate to find anything-- some solution to my body or the way I was feeling.
I was put on every diet imaginable since I was seven years old. Every day I exercised as part of my daily chores, even if it made me sick. I saw a dietician weekly and kept a food journal, counting calories and I was rewarded for missing a meal.
Then, I eventually discovered the body positivity movement, which should have been great, right?
I can’t tell you the exact moment I discovered the movement, there wasn’t a magical moment when I saw one fat woman posing for a selfie. It was gradual. Occasionally I would see a post normalizing stretch marks- which was insane to me, I thought only I had those! Or the infamous Tumblr post of the statue of the goddess Aphrodite, glorifying a “normal” body.
I was ecstatic to see it as a tween. My only experience with fat people had been my thin mom telling me she “feels bad for them.” She would never insult them outright for being overweight but unfortunately, her own body acceptance issues cloud her vision. She never meant harm, everyone has their own issues to work through. So seeing fat teens and young adults just like me was life-changing.
The term “body positivity,” wasn’t widely used until the 2010s, but the movement has been active since the mid-1900s, according to BBC. It popped off on social media and hasn’t died down ever since.
To this day, I find it difficult to talk about body positivity. Growing up I always kept it to myself, I suppose because I still desperately wanted to be the ideal body type and wasn’t ready to give up on all of it. Everyone grows up with “bad words” in their household. For me and my siblings, we were never allowed to even say the word “fat.”
So seeing more people like me celebrating the bodies they were born in was great. A little secret I kept in my back pocket to boost my confidence.
But then I started to see the cracks in this movement.
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Celebrities like pop-star Lizzo are proud representatives of the movement. Lizzo, for example, posts often on Instagram and TikTok videos of her enjoying delicious food. These videos obviously result in a lot of hate comments and internet “doctors” explaining her own body to her. But the majority of comments are people with bodies like her, thanking her for challenging “fatphobic” ideas. Fatphobia is best explained as a preconceived negative judgment of fat people. It’s often used to describe statements with anti-fat sentiments.
While I love what Lizzo does and I love that it is helpful for many people, she is a perfect example of fat people having to go above and beyond to be appreciated. She posts on her social media many workout videos as well as her healthy vegan recipes. That’s awesome, I know, everyone wishes that their body could be treated that well. But there is a subtler, more toxic message there: Since Lizzo works out and eats vegan, it’s okay that she’s fat. So what, it’s only okay to be fat when you’ve done everything in your power to lose that weight? That’s not the energy I’m comfortable with.
As I saw the flaws in Body Positivity, I thought more carefully about where I stood. Don’t get me wrong, everyone should be kind to their bodies, but we shouldn’t be forced to pretend to love our bodies, especially when they cause more trouble than they’re worth. The typical body positivity movement for fat girls revolves around how fat can actually be healthy, which is apparently a crazy concept.
While this is true, it can be harmful to continue to push the idea that your body can only be appreciated if you can prove that you’re above and beyond. That hasn’t been my experience.
I can never be physically above and beyond. I am chronically ill, and although I try to refrain from calling myself disabled, it can be disabling. I cannot run or jump without making myself sick or putting myself at risk of passing out. The hour a day I had previously spent exercising turned into hours of having to rest after an MRI or a doctor’s appointment.
I’ve never been able to lose weight healthily. I’ve been on every diet I could think of from the age of 8. The times I was most praised for how I looked were when I was at my sickest. I was even told I looked healthier when I was skinnier, despite the fact that I was nowhere near healthy.
As a fat woman, trying to reclaim the word “fat,” I carry the pressure of representing every overweight person you’ve ever interacted with. Examples being, “Well my friend Hannah(fake name for obvious reasons) is fat but she works out and diets so it’s fine,” or “My aunt is fat and she’s unhealthy because she sits on the couch every day.” If my lifestyle is the ultimate factor in deciding if my weight is okay, then what would people say about me? “She doesn’t work out, that’s why she’s fat, it’s unhealthy.”
And then there are the comments I see on posts about how amazing women were for baring their average bodies to the world. That rubs me the wrong way. Not that I was ever posting photos of myself, but I’m just a person. I’m not “so brave” for posting a selfie on the internet. When I’m not feeling pretty I don’t want to have a stranger tell me I’m not fat, as if I can’t be fat and pretty at the same time.
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The body positivity movement is not inherently bad; some women still find refuge in this. But it doesn’t resonate with me anymore. There are others who, like me, have searched for another ideological home though. I thought I found it in Fat Acceptance. Fat Acceptance has more of a focus on accepting our bodies the way that they are. While more fitting to me, it is still too similar. It tells me that my body is just what it is. But to be honest, I sometimes feel very negatively about my body. My body causes me constant pain and the way that it looks has negatively affected my self-image since childhood. That could be something to accept too, but I’m not there yet.
I suppose the reason that these movements have never worked for me is that they put too much focus on the individuals. The problem is that whether I buy into the movement or not, fat women are still seen as lesser than society. We’re never the first choice. I shouldn’t have to use my body as a vehicle for positivity or acceptance or any other movement the internet invents. It’s not my fault I was born in this body. I shouldn’t have to clarify my illness to everyone I meet just to prove my worth as a human being.
I don’t owe anyone any excuses for how they perceive my body. I’m not the problem here. It’s the stigma around fat people that needs to change.
I’ve become okay not fitting into any particular movement.
I recognize that they started with the best intentions, but I can’t ignore the damage they do and the way they force individual women to take responsibility for the flawed thinking of others.