Mason Godek
Should you have a beer with your niece? Yes, just tell her parents later.
In my experience as a cultural consumer of movies and literature alike I have always noticed the important role of an aunt. Whether this role be from the famous 90’s show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air with Aunt Viv being a staunch figure in Will’s life as he needed role models to change his troubling behavior or Miss Bates from Emma by Jane Austen who’s love of her niece she could discuss for days upon days. There are a few exceptions with Harry Potter’s Aunt Marge, however, these types of Aunts often play a less significant role than that of the inspiring Aunt. Aunts often play an important role as moral guidance, firm yet loving discipline, or even just a goofy character that the nephew or niece looks up to.
I remember seeing my niece for the first time. She has the biggest blue eyes and the biggest head I have ever seen on a baby. I remember being speechless as I walked into my sisters house, all I could do was just hold her and make sure she had everything she needed. For me this was an experience I had never felt before. When holding a baby that has close blood ties with you just feels right in a way. I had never really been into the idea of working with kids or even going as far to say I would be a good role model for them but when my niece arrived my whole perspective changed. I decided that I wanted to be involved in my niece’s life to the point where when she is older she knows she has a great role model to look up to.
Recently my best friend, my sister, just had a daughter and in my patience of waiting on the baby to arrive I began to wonder. Why is it hard to judge what uncle I should be for my niece? I was confused on what role I need to play as an uncle in my niece’s life. Given movie and literature examples it was hard to find important figures that presented a positive impact on their respective nieces and nephews. Why is it that we see a more nurturing side to Aunts in our culture rather than the uncle?
I feel as though aunts have more of a label of being nurturing and they will always be a shoulder to cry on. There is this stereotype in the Aunt world that we see pop up in plenty of movies and books. Many women in fact have adopted the stereotype and even coined the term “PANK”, Professional Aunt No Kids. However, when researching to see if the aunt role was just more nurturing due to gender/hormonal influence I came across interesting results. Emma Seppala from berkeley.edu says that, “In short, compassion is natural and no gender differences have emerged across these studies”. This was interesting because it shows how aunts have been made to seem more nurturing than the uncle by our culture and maybe this is due to gender biases.
In my research endeavors when looking for figures to model my own behavior after I found most uncles to be one stereotype, one that is an uncle who is always having a smile on his face always telling the niece or nephew crazy stories from their childhood. In addition, the uncle was also never married, much like Uncle Jesse in Full House (until he gets married). Most importantly, the stereotype of the Uncle is something I feel as though it is widely known. This stereotype of the uncle is otherwise known as the “funcle.” My sister has begun to use this term quite a bit as well. I decided to see if the funcle was the best way to go about the uncle role or if this stereotype is purely for cultural entertainment.
Delving into the process I started to look for what factors most positively influence a niece’s life in the role of an Uncle. According to a study that was published in Journal of Youth and Adolescence the study found that 13% of nieces and nephews found the uncle to be among the most important role models, following the father and brother afterwards. To be this important role model Amy Goyer, a family expert for AARP, suggests the role of an uncle to be an open minded, a great listener and shoulder to cry on free of judgement. In addition to this, the uncle must be in touch via phone or social media in order to create the unique connection the niece or nephew requires. Uncles seem to be more effective if they support parental decision making and provide an emotional backbone
Absence will create nothing but an awkward relationship with one’s niece or nephew.
Unfortunately when scouring the internet for the right way to be an uncle I started to notice the connection to the so called funcle. I found several blog posts, even a couple of magazine articles pertaining to the idea of the funcle. These funcle instruction manuals gave way to uncles just being way too laid back, acts more like an older brother and does not try to be emotionally supportive. I felt as though this was the case with my uncles and this is why I am questioning the role of what I should be for my niece. I never really felt as though I could talk to them about personal complaints to parents.
Upon completing all of this research I finally figured out what type of uncle to be for my niece. The funcle in perspective sounds like it should be the wrong way to treat your niece but in reality I feel as though this funcle character is the right way to go. However, this does not mean one provides a laid back perspective for their niece or nephew. The funcle should still be firm with discipline as the child’s parents would be. As a funcle it is one’s job to let the child try new things their parents would not normally be okay with. For example, even having a beer with them (Once they reach a reasonable age of course)! The funcle provides emotional support of no other kind as a joyous confidant who teaches life lessons to their niece yet knows how to point the child in an explorative direction. So, be a funcle, just don’t be too funcle.