Most people have family trees that go back decades and decades, generation after generation. Me? I have a family shrub.
By: Abby Knowles
I looked across the pancakes doused in maple syrup at my family members. I was sitting across from my mom and sister, who were digging into their stacks of blueberry pancakes. My dad was next to me, preparing to dig into his french toast. I stared at my stack of chocolate chip pancakes and a sudden wave of sadness came over me. This wasn’t how I had pictured our Thanksgiving.
Most people travel to visit family during the holidays, vacations, or reunions, however mine does not. I don’t talk to my cousins. I’m not close with my aunts or uncles. I often long for a large extended family, though I’ve never had one. Our group of 4 doesn’t always feel celebratory, at least not on holidays. And definitely not under the fluorescent lights of an iHop.
I lost my grandfather on my mom’s side when I was just 6 months old. Growing up, I had my Nana who was my mom’s mother, and my grammie and grampie who were my dad’s parents, who both had passed by the time I was 12. Since then, it has just been the five of us. My mom’s brother and his family live overseas, as they moved there when I was a child. I am a complete homebody and family-oriented person, so not having that “big family” has really affected me, until now.
Over time, I’ve started to question why. Many people have small families, but why am I so bothered by it? This got me thinking even more, do other people feel this way? If not, what do they feel? Do they think having a small family is actually beneficial to them? I decided to do some research to see what I could find on the “small family” stereotype, and dive deep into the history. Maybe there could actually be benefits to a small family.
In an article from Population Matters, who campaigns to achieve a sustainable human population, to protect the natural world and improve people’s lives, claims that “the benefits of having a smaller family are experienced by children”, meaning that actually having a small family is extremely beneficial to a child because of lack of travel, more attention given, and less stress from family members.
A lot of large families will spend hundreds if not thousands to travel to see family for reunions, holidays or vacations. On top of the expenses, they are having to take time out of their schedule to make these trips happen, and in a lot of cases, children are taken out of school to attend these events. This causes children to miss out on learning and developing social skills with their peers.
Another important aspect of having a small family was that I think it was easier to individuate. In the “Differentiation of Self” concept, the family systems expert Murray Bowen explains “the less developed a person’s “self,” the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others.”
Absorbing that information, it helped me realize that having a smaller family has actually allowed me to have more self-development, because of having my parents primary focus be myself (and my sister), and not on other siblings, cousins, and extended family. I have experiences with my family that I wouldn’t get otherwise if I had, say 5 siblings, or 30 cousins.
Concluding my research and studies on smaller families, I have come to appreciate my small family, and all they can offer. I am able to attend school events I may not have had the chance to attend, I would not have the same social skills as I have now and overall would not be the person I am today, had I had a larger family.
I vividly remember Christmas 2021, my mother’s brother and his wife and 3 kids were visiting for the holidays. It was 10 of us in total, when usually it's just 5. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with all the chaos going on, the little kids running around making a mess, and conversations happening left and right. Of course I love my extended family, but part of me wishes I was back at iHop with my parents and sister, having a quiet, relaxing dinner laughing about the most random things.
So here I am, four years later sitting at my Nana’s dining room table, her homemade stuffing to my left, turkey to my right. My mom to my left, sister to my right, and dad across from me, all laughing with each other while talking about what makes them grateful. When asked what I am grateful for, with no hesitation, I say not my small family, but my family. I find myself wanting to be back in that iHop ambiance…no chaos, stress, or awkward conversations—surrounded by the people I love most in the world, eating delicious pancakes covered in warm syrup and powdered sugar.