I was feeling a certain sort of way when I found out the character I related to the most on Friends wasn’t one of the most liked characters in TV culture.
By Anne Smith
The dread of quarantine allowed many of us the time to sit down to finally watch something we were proud to avoid for the majority of our lives. In my case, that was the show Friends.
Before I knew it, I was feeling guilty for watching the show, for a whole day straight. After a marathon of eating snacks, several commercials, and several plots melting into a stream of entertainment, somehow, I managed to watch seasons 1 through 3.
Eventually, I started to notice some patterns. There are unrealistic expectations for living in New York City during your 20s, obviously. Joey was consistently eating and chasing after girls. Phoebe was the funny, laid-back one, Rachel was (and is still) the “it” girl. But what got to me the most was how unfair the show was to Monica Gellar. I started to sense they created her as an unappealing character, personality-wise.
And even though I realized this, I didn’t find myself idolizing Rachel Green or Phoebe Buffay, but truly relating to the underdog, Monica. Come to find out, this was an unpopular opinion, as I found hundreds of shrines made online in honor of Rachel, giving ode to her “perfect” style and personality. If Monica was unlikeable, then I wondered what that said about me.
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In the episode, “The One Where Underdog Gets Away” the premise is it’s Monica's first Thanksgiving dinner for the gang when they all get locked out of the apartment after watching a runaway dog balloon from the Thanksgiving parade, and it all goes horribly wrong from there. It was season one, and right off the bat, Monica’s misfortune was played up for laughs. The twist to this episode was that while they couldn’t get back into the apartment, the oven and stove tops were still on, burning the food she worked all day to prepare, including several forms of potatoes side dishes everyone guilted her into making.
She was the butt of the joke as her meal was going down the drain. Sure, the rest of the gang didn’t get their dinner, but it’s mostly her loss. Rachel displaces the blame, Phoebe makes light of the situation, and the boys mourned the loss of the meal that was prepared for them. During the episode my sympathy set in, because if I was Monica, I would be really sore that happened too.
Each character had their persona, as any good tv show is set up to do. Monica is panicking over something while Rachel is occupied with maintaining her extravagant lifestyle on her own and Phoebe is throwing out quirky one-liners for audience laughs. But I don’t think the writers ever anticipated that the show would make some characters more sought-after than others.
That episode anchored Monica’s role in the group. It was the first-ever Thanksgiving meal she ever made. She was dying to please everyone, succumbing to the desire of each person to make mashed potatoes their way. She was the friend who was also the mom. I guess any good show has to have one, right? This role she played was used to heighten scenes throughout the show, creating the dynamics Friends, was famous for.
It hits home when I see a character like her whose traits are mistaken as the justification for their constant misfortune. The more I watched the more confusion I felt about how they were going to continually play this character in a comical light without being degrading. Monica became associated with this critical standpoint as a repercussion of having characteristics that aired on the side of unbelievably uptight or motherly. Thus it was made to be her contribution to the show’s essence. Even with an improbable show such as Friends, I started to worry if there was a building prejudice against women, including myself, who related or acted like her.
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Arguably the only benefit of becoming a couch potato, succumbing to the endless hours of episode after episode was it couldn’t shake the expectation now that Monica Geller would always take that role. In my defense, I wanted to watch conclusively to witness for things to change, to get better for her. It was like I couldn’t feel resolved until I saw that happen, partly getting validation for myself as well.
Being the mother figure to the group, in my mind, was different from being the class clown because that person usually chooses to take on that role, finding validation from laughter at their intended expense. For Monica, I didn’t feel like it was a choice due to the more negligent characters around her. I empathized with her because as someone who rarely feels in control of anything, I often feel like I have to step in because I have a feeling no one else will.
I admire Monica. There are ample things to like her for, she is able to cook, has an almost burning desire to keep things perfectly clean, and tends to be the character to ask the hard and caring questions to keep the others in check. And yet, she is written in an undesirable – always wanting things to be a little too perfect way. The problem is she’s stepping in for others around her who are usually underdoing their part. Can’t we all relate to that in one way or another? At least I know I can.
There is a determination to her. This determination is displayed less in an inspirational form that is to aspire to, but rather in a bundle of neurotic behavior. Monica’s character could be described as uptight, obsessive-compulsive, motherly, and hyper. The peculiar extremes she displays throughout the show is off-putting to watch at times. It’s a misrepresentation on many fronts, for people with OCD, or women who tend to be opinionated and motherly. Even the gang mentions this, but Monica merely calls it, “cute obsessive things”, saying she sees it as an addition to her quirky personality.
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Another level to Monica’s many misfortunes is one that any person with a sibling can relate to. Her brother Ross, a favorite character of the show, is showcased as incapable of wrongdoing by their mother. Even her parents make her the butt of the jokes for any episode they are in. In the episode, “The One in Massapequa”, Ross and Monica’s parents are having their 35th wedding anniversary party, she attempts to write an endearing and moving toast. Long story short, her speech turns out to be a dud, but Ross utters a short statement on the fly and there wasn’t a single dry eye in the house. It’s clearly a pattern she’s set up for from the beginning of her life. But in many ways, she’s the most capable of all of them. I reiterate again, how she is written is not fair. She’s typecast as neurotic, even though she has plenty of positive traits.
Eventually, they will pair Monica with Chandler Bing, another beloved character of the friend group. His witty and sarcastic jokes in awkward situations is a nice pairing with Monica’s tendency to be stern. Yet way before that point in the show, Monica faces a dilemma where she had to choose if she wanted to marry the love of her life and lose the chance to have children since he didn’t want to have any more, or walk away from possibly the “perfect” man for her.
It was very unlike the “will they or won’t they” plot with Rachel and Ross, an over-play dynamic dug up in each season to satisfy the audience. The several meltdowns and crises she experienced through the process of her making the decision were hard to watch. They couldn’t be stretched out over several seasons, like Rachel’s problems were, because they took away from the suspense of the situation. From the beginning of the show to the very end, it was filled with failure, misfortunes, and humiliation for Monica. Monica is portrayed as the type of woman that is obsessed with planning the perfect wedding even before meeting the right person.
While these characteristics individually aren’t a negative thing, putting them all together into one character is overwhelming. And if you related to any part of her, watching situation after situation in the show reinforces the idea that someone like her could not be the “it” girl is hard. After spending that summer watching the show, I discovered that I am a Monica Geller, in a world of Rachel Green wannabes, and I learned a new perspective on the unequal depiction. Yes, Friends is a good, easy TV show, but Monica Geller deserves better.