The inner struggle I have with myself and being perfect with everything I do.
By: Gabby Carrion
I was back on a vegan diet and had spent $50 on some pretty underwhelming groceries: some meat alternatives, awful vegan cheese, and baby avocados. Regardless I was starving since all I’d had all day was a Go-Go Squeeze, so I got to work preparing something. I cooked up some beefless nuggets and squash. To be honest, I have never really cooked meat before so a sigh of relief came over me when the bag said “not real meat, do not overcook.” My mouth was starting to water as my Jello consistency meat was almost ready to eat. I sat down at my dinner table and dug in.
But right as I was finishing up, my roommate walked in and started making the chicken tacos we had bought from Costco together a week before, when I wasn’t on the diet yet. She said to me, “We have to eat these soon, or else they are going to go bad.” I looked at her and sighed. She wasn’t wrong. The tacos were about to go bad, and I was not about to waste $15. I contemplated eating the tacos for a while, arguing with myself, which may I add, never ends on a happy note. To spare me time and suffering, I asked her to make me a plate and we chatted about our day and my many boy problems.
For the rest of the day, I felt terrible. Eating the chicken was a good thing, right? I mean, I didn’t waste food, I helped the environment, I didn't waste money. But on the other hand, I broke my diet and ate a helpless chicken who could have had a chance. I know it was already dead, but the whole supply and demand made them kill another chicken because I had bought it in the first place.
This is a story about me and my various diets. The first diet I went on I was a vegetarian. I wanted to eat healthier and after some research, I decided this was the best way to do this. I was doing a great job at first. My mother made me some bean, corn, and tomato salads which were super refreshing and my entire family loves them. She also made some rice and beans which is a staple in my household since were Hispanic. Although this didn’t last long.
After a couple of weeks, I started craving chicken nuggets. When my family would make them for dinner and then vacate to the living room to watch TV I would sneak back into the kitchen, grab a nugget, and head to the bathroom to eat it. I hated the feeling of breaking this diet. I could have done better, had an alternative that almost tastes the exact same, but I didn’t. And I hated myself for it.
This has always been a struggle for me, breaking diets. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my daily life; being a marketing student makes it even harder. I am a very creative person and when I don't like an advertisement I made, it makes me stressed out and I ask everyone and their mother to help me out.
And now, again, I was failing at my diet. Just eating the chicken, or the spoon full of ice cream that I had for a pick-me-up at work later, practically killed me. It kept happening. Veganism was making me hate myself every day when I broke my diet or even looked at a juicy burger.
I wanted to cry at inappropriate times, for no good reason may I add, and I was just feeling more anxious than usual. There were times where I had to break my diet because I was about to pass out. I’m human and sometimes I forget to pack my lunch the day before, so I went to get Panera or Hissho Sushi to tie me over.
I realized that the feelings I had were very familiar to me. In high school I had an eating disorder, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia and anorexia. I limited my eating and worked out constantly. If a piece of cake even came close to my mouth I would hide, and if it somehow managed to enter my mouth I would go for a run. It wasn’t healthy and I wasn’t even doing it for myself. I was in lightweight rowing and I had to lose weight every single week so my boat could race. If any one of us were overweight, the race would be over.
The commonality here was my perfectionism. According to this article I stumbled upon, “ It was also predicted that perfectionists would rate their progress more harshly and consequently drop out … Additionally, perfectionism, self-efficacy, and self-control would constitute a significant portion of the variance in diet success. ” This basically states that I didn’t have a chance. My view on mistakes and being perfect all the time was getting in my way.
In the end, I ended up not liking the diet. After suffering from an eating disorder in the past, I decided that restricting my food was a trigger and not a good thing for me. If I ever were to start up a diet I would have to meal plan, make my food, and learn to let myself mess up every once in a while.
Being vegan is very restricting, on what you can eat and where you can go. In order for me to be successful in a diet, I need to learn to give myself some slack and let go of putting myself down for little things like eating a chicken taco.
I feel like this experience has shown me the light in my perfectionism ways. In a good and bad way. I know I’m a perfectionist, that’s not new information, but I think I’ve realized it’s a good thing. I am strict on myself and can discipline myself when I need to, even though it’s something as stupid as eating meals.
I used to think being a perfectionist is a bad thing because I have slight OCD as well. But as stated earlier I have grown to appreciate it and now tell potential employers I’m a perfectionist because it makes me work hard and love everything I do.