Ayana Jefferson
“HE’S JUST A FRIEND DAD!” ... I tried to explain to my father as he sat angrily on the couch looking at the television continuously ignoring me.
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was in fourth grade and about nine years old. I had just gotten off the phone with my close friend Justin after eagerly getting home from school. We had previously swapped numbers that day and although I had other buddies in my class, Justin was my closest friend. The only problem was that he was a boy, and I was a girl. The whole scenario had felt like I was in Romeo and Juliet, as if we couldn’t be friends just because we were of a different sex. For the longest I understood societies gender norms, but it didn’t mean I had to agree with them. What was the big deal with me having a friend who happened to be a guy?
Now that I’m older and in college, I rarely even think back to the event that took place years ago. That was until I was on the phone with my current best friend Herve, yes who is also a guy, had made me realize that he was not just my best friend but only my guy friend.
“I can’t believe I never paid attention to myself always being surrounded by my female friends. I mean how come I never had more than one close guy friend,” I asked Herve.
For years it seemed as though I was only ever interested in only having female friends, but why? After I got off the phone I sat on my bed and dug deep into my mind, why wasn’t my friend group more mixed with males. I mean, I have gained friends of different races, ethnicities, sexualities and even religions but not gender.
Scientific data shows that as individuals get older, they grow closer to developing same opposite sex friendships. “Although preadolescence continues to be characterized primarily by same-sex friendships (Zarbatany et al. 2000), the occurrence of other-sex friendships begins to increase in early adolescence”. Starting at the age of 2 children begin to drift to form more friends of their same gender. “Same-sex friendship dominates the childhood peer socialization experience from preschool through grade school” ... is apparent as early as at 2 years old, and observes that boys and girls accomplish social adaptation within same-sex friendships”.
As a young adult I never strongly paid attention to the subconscious changes that I had developed as I became older. But thinking more about the matter I began to put together multiple possible explanations to why this may be and for others in the same situation as me. First and foremost, the thoughts and pressures of society and family. We all know that when we see a girl and guy walking into a store together, we assume they are either dating or possibly relatives, that is if they even look alike. We assume that guys and girls can’t be just friends because at some point they WILL be romantically involved with one another, proving that opposite sex relationships could never just be a friendship.
No matter how far back we go males and females have always been taught to stay within their own groups, but where does it stem from? Well, this can be from many reasons from man-made laws forcing both sexes to abide by their codes or science defining the males as superior and women as inferior. Or maybe even religious text and beliefs that define how men and women should behave and act. Why does this matter? And how do certain actions separate us? Well once we start conforming on how we believe certain groups should behave we begin to divide ourselves. For example, men being the big, strong and masculine later adopted the role as the hunter, dominant, rough and tough persona. While the more frail and weaker women were left to become gathers and care takers of the children. These roles have stayed with us for thousands of years and divided us into what we know and tend to generalize with each other today.
Changes can and should begin through society and parenting. Society has forever played a heavy role in individual's lifestyles and choices but if society were to move from separating genders and allowing children and adults to intermix and chose who they wish to associate with freely then this chaotic self-confusion would decrease as a result. While some may seem fine seeing a girl with a group of guy friends, and vice-versa, others tend to pass negative judgement due to the fact as we get older some of us develop negative ideas and push them onto others when we do not understand nor respect the situation. Parents who teach and guide their children should accept and allow their children to have healthy relationships with both boys and girls.
I realized that although I have come to learn why I have chosen to form friendships with only females, that it will now take time for me to regain a sense of comfort approaching males with the intention of friendship. I must take control of my own life and not allow society, family, gender norms, or even my own hesitation to get in the way, because I realize that I lose the opportunity to go after what I want and gain new friendships. We have to realize society as a whole will not change overnight and that we, ourselves, cannot go back and undo what has been done so that we may re-submerge ourselves to be comfortable with one another.